Saturday, April 18, 2009

The Alien Encyclopedia

“Hey Tom let me have a hit of that.”
My friend Tom passed me the joint. I inhaled slowly and held my breath, the sounds of the crickets and the crackle of the fire was all that could be heard.
I exhaled and said “Dude, where did you get this righteous stuff?”
“I hooked up with this new guy. He’s a bit of a smart ass but his stuff is top shelf.”
“You mean that guy that hangs out at the gas and go?”
“Yep, that’s the one.”
“No shit. I didn’t know he dealt.”
Yeah it was another great Fourth of July party at my dad’s cabin. Every year since I could drive, my friends and I came up here and had a little party. This year it was me, my girlfriend, and two of our friends. When the sun was up, we would hit the lake. When the sun went down we would hit the bottle and smoke a little. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend a summer day. Tom and I were hanging out by the fire pit and everyone else had gone off to do their own thing.
“Dude, we got any more hot dogs? I’ve got the munchies something fierce.”
“Sorry dude. We’re fresh out. Maybe back in the house.”
“Ok. I’ll go check,” I said as I stood up and sat right back down.
“Pete, you ok?” Tom asked giggling.
“Yeah, I’m good. As soon as I can find my feet I’m gonna raid the fridge.”
“Good luck. We’re all counting on you man. Hey could you bring back some marshmallows. I so need some marshmallow goodness right now. You know what I’m saying.”
“I’m right there with you brother.”
I stumbled toward the cabin. Calling it a cabin wasn’t exactly right. It was more like a house. It had two floors, four bedrooms, kitchen, and living room with a kick ass entertainment system. So yeah it was nicer then some of the houses I’ve seen.
The porch light was on. Thank God because otherwise I would have kept on stumbling around. As it was I was using the picnic table to keep my feet under me. When I reached the end of the table I took a deep breath and launched myself towards the door. I’m guessing the door wasn’t happy to see me, when I got to it; I ended up flat on my back.
After a minute I said ouch.
“Please tell me you didn’t land on the marshmallows man.”
“No I didn’t. I haven’t even made it into the house yet.
“Oh thank God,” Tom said relieved.
The porch light was shining down on me and I was amazed at how bright it was. Just like a beautiful little sun. Then I heard footsteps on the gravel path that runs between the house and driveway. I looked around to see who was walking over when I saw him. He was about four feet tall and wearing black pants, and light blue long sleeved shirt. Then I saw his face as he stepped into the light.
“Holy shit, it’s Mr. Spock. Dude you’re awesome,” I said as I put my fingers up in a V shape.
“Yes. I’m Mr. Spock. I have need of you assistance,” he said with a robotic voice.
“Sweet, you’re gonna take me aboard the Enterprise?” I said thinking that Tom was never gonna believe this one.
“That is not the name of my ship. Do you still accept?”
“Sure. What the hell? I’m getting to go into space and that’s all that matters to me.”
“That is acceptable to me,” He said as he pulled out a wand that was a little shorter then my forearm. The wand was shiny and metallic. One end of the wand started to glow brighter then the porch light and then everything went black.
I woke up the next morning feeling like two guys were driving a railroad spike into my head. The sound of the porch door slamming shut made me want to curl up and die.
“Please tell me you have come here to put me out of my misery.”
“Sweetie, how many times do I have to tell you, know when to say when.” She said smiling.
Tina had been my girlfriend for about three years now. She had dirty blond hair and emerald green eyes and curves in all the right places.
“Honey, this time it’s not my fault. It’s Mr. Spock’s fault. He showed up late last night and zapped me,” I said as I started to stand up.
“Oh boy. I’m glad I didn’t try any of the stuff Tom was passing around last night. God only knows what I would have seen.”
“Probably your grandmother, she would yell at you for hanging out with a protestant.”

“Stop that. Just because it’s true doesn’t mean you should say it,” She said as she took a sip from her coffee mug.
“Is that coffee?”
“Why yes it is. Do you want some?”
“More then anything in the world.”
“Oh really”, she said slyly.
“Well there are other things I would like more but I’ll settle for coffee.” I said smiling because knew where this was going.
“Well you know I was all alone last night. I didn’t have anyone to hold me when I got scared,” she said with a pouty look on her face.
“I’m so sorry. I’ll make it up to you,” I moved in for a quick kiss.
“Really? How?”
“Back rub? Foot rub? Sponge bath”, I asked with a wink.
“Sounds like fun I wonder who would be willing to do that for me. Maybe Mr. Spock, you after his done hanging out with you,” she said as she turned and ran toward the cars.
“Mr. Spock? I’ll do things to you that will make you forget about Mr. Spock!” I said as I chased after her.
About an hour later Tina and I made it back into the house for breakfast. Mary, Tom’s girlfriend, was standing at the stove complaining to Tom, “I was just watching Food Network but I can’t remember all the ingredients. Do you remember any of them Tom?”
“Sorry. I missed it,” Tom said without looking up from is Gameboy.
“I swear I’d have to walk around naked to get you notice something other then your Gameboy.”
“Well if you’re offering,” Tom looked up smiling.
“Oh get your mind out of the gutter,” Mary said smiling.
“Hey Mary what’s going on?” Tina asked.
“I’m trying to remember all the stuff I need to make Sunny-Side Up Breakfast Pizza. Did you see the show?”
“Oh sorry I didn’t see that episode.”
There was a burst of light like a flashbulb going off and then I knew exactly what Mary was talking about. I could smell the bacon and the cheese coming together on the pizza dough with the eggs. It was making my mouth water. My hands seemed to have a mind of their own, the ingredients flew together and before I knew what I was doing I was grilling the pizza on the barbeque.
“So when did you learn how to cook? Tina asked with a look of deep satisfaction on her face.
“I don’t know. I must have of picked up somewhere.”
The rest of the day went by without a care in the world. The sun was shining, the water of North Lake was warm and I couldn’t have been happier. The sun started setting so we wandered over to the fireplace. This time I was gonna make sure I didn’t hit the herb like I did the night before. As much as I love seeing Mr. Spock I didn’t want to run into him again. So I decided that I would just beer that night.
As the night started winding down I noticed that we were out of beer, so I ran into the house to see if we had any more hidden in the fridge. As I was looking in the fridge I heard the porch door slam shut.
“So far no luck guys. We’re gonna have to pick up some more tomorrow.” I said as I closed the door.
“That is acceptable.”
Standing in the kitchen with me was a four foot tall Elvis impersonator.
“What the hell? Did somebody spike my drink?”
“No. I have to fix something,” He said in a robotic voice.
“Fix what?” I was still having some difficulty believing what I was hearing. I must have fallen asleep and not even realized it.
He took out his metallic glowing wand, “This should not hurt. Please be patient.”
I woke up on the kitchen floor with Tina standing over me.
“Pete, you ok”, she said with a worried look on her face.
“I think so. I remember coming in to get some beers then I think I saw Elvis. Next thing I know I looking up into your beautiful face.”
“Nice try but you said you weren’t gonna smoke tonight.”
“I didn’t. At least l don’t remember smoking tonight. I know I had a few beers but that’s it. I swear to you. Maybe I did some damage last night. I don’t know.”
I was starting to get worried now. I mean it was one thing when I was high but when I was just drinking beer and seeing weird stuff. it was time to go get checked out. Tina and I talked about it and decided that I should go to the ER in the morning. All of us had way too much to drink to drive that night.
The next morning Tina and I went to the ER. We checked in and took a seat in the waiting room. The TV was showing some medical mystery show. I wasn’t that interested, I usually watch sitcoms like Two and a Half Men.
Tina was holding my hand and smiling. “It’s gonna be fine. I’m sure it’s just nothing other then you need to stop drinking and smoking.”
The doors of the ER burst open. Two EMTs flew into the hallway outside the waiting room. They were pushing a gurney. On the gurney was a man whose face was turning plum purple and had trouble breathing. I had never seen anything like it. Out of nowhere my mouth started shouting what sounded like gibberish to me but made sense to the hospital staff. They ran some test and turned out I was dead on with the diagnosis. Everyone in the ER thought I was some kind of specialist or at the very least a med student no matter how many times I told them I wasn’t.
I got into to see the doctor about fifteen minutes after my mysterious diagnosis. He ran the usually test, asked the same old questions. He didn’t like my answer about the drug use and the amount of alcohol I drank. He asked me why I was there and I mention that I was seeing people who went there. He asked for more details and I told him about seeing Mr. Spock and Elvis. He asked if I had a head injury prior to seeing this people. I told him yes. That I was walking to the house and I was pretty sure I hit my head on the door before seeing Mr. Spock. He said he would set up some more test to see if I had any swelling in my brain and walked out of the room.
“I’m gonna get something to drink. You want anything?” Tina asked.
“Naw I’m good. Thanks.” I said as I squeezed her hand.
“Ok. I’ll be right back.”
I laid down on the exam table and tried to relax. This could be it for me. I partied too hard and now I was gonna pay for it. But I was only twenty two and I only really drank on the weekends. I knew guys who drank and smoked every day and night. Life’s funny that way I guess. The door opened and I said “That was quick.”
I looked up and there was the little grey dude again. This time he was wearing a white lab coat and had a stethoscope around his neck. He had a surgical mask covering most of his face.
“We have a problem.” He said in the same robotic fashion.
“We? No! I have a problem and it’s you. Why the hell do you keep bugging me?”
“I do not understand bugging you? I need to remove the item I gave you. Your medical personal are not allowed to find it.”
“What the hell are you talking about? Did you stick something up my ass?”
“No. I placed a device in your head. It allows me to understand human thought and culture.”
“It what?”
“It allowed me to understand human thought and culture. It translated the information in the world around you to a format that I could analyze.”
“You need not worry. Obviously you feeble human mind is unable to comprehend what I am stated. I will remove the item and you will no longer see me.” He then took out his wand with and everything went black. But I’m pretty sure I heard him say something like “Hello Tina. My name is Dr. Carl Sagan. Your husband will be fine.”